UNI GRADUATES - YOUR DREAM* JOB IS HERE! LOOK NO FURTHER!

Posted by: Victor Pardis on 11th April 2017

UNI GRADUATES - YOUR DREAM* JOB IS HERE! LOOK NO FURTHER!

YOU: Desperate. Demoralised. Potential drinking problem or full-blown alcoholic, we are an equal opportunity employer.

ME: At the end of my tether. Need sidekick/hench(wo)man to do admin tasks I‘ve been putting off since the coalition was in power.

Benefits

• Flexible working hours. We start at 11am. Morning people need not apply.

• Access to our selection of booze from our "drinking globe" which currently includes an intimidatingly large bottle of Bucksfast.

• Pick your own job title! You can become our ‘Junior Vice President of Sales’. The only catch is douchey titles such as ‘Head of Innovation’ are prohibited. I’m doing this for your own good.

• HUGE autonomy! You can do almost anything to help make me more money. No micromanagement here.

• You will learn a vast array of brand new and exciting ways to incorporate profanity into day to day business conversations.

• This job will enable you to quit your job in retail/hospitality and brag to your pals about your new found superiority and the fact that you can now wear a cheap suit with dodgy plastic heeled shoes.

• When you decide to move on to another role, I will provide a gushing and over the top reference that puts most modern fiction to shame.

The ideal candidate

• Has a ‘flexible’ view of what constitutes ‘healthy drinking habits’.

• Despises authority in all of its guises. This will include me.

• You despise meditation, yoga, self-help, healthy eating and other tosh.

• Has deep contempt for the corporate world and all it represents.

• Wants to live the Monaco lifestyle on a Wetherspoons budget.

• Knows the customer isn’t always right - but is able put on a convincing phoney obsequious tone on command.

• Has a thick-skin akin to an ageing, battle-tired rhinoceros.

• Can put on a convincing Jordan Belfort impression, minus the fraud.


BASE PAY: 25k plus performance related bonuses. I make more money - you make more money.

I am not going to be your mentor. You shouldn’t look up to anyone. Nobody has this shit figured out.

To apply, send an email to [email protected] with an most honest opening gambit that will make either disturb me to my core or make me laugh maniacally.

YOU WILL MOST LIKELY NOT REGRET IT!

Stay vigilant,

Max

*Your definition of "DREAM JOB" may be different to mine.